“Sorry, this is a little, I mean a lot, long. Also, I am going to get a little personal, private and very raw for the sake of those who struggle like me. CAUTION!!! I will be giving details that might make me sound like a big selfish jerk. I will also tell stories that might sound prideful or boastful, but bear with me and you’ll hopefully understand. – Editors Note”
My life for the last few years has been a crazy ride on a preverbal roller-coaster. Just a little history about my ride on the ferris wheel (I’ll explain later).
Several years (4-5 ish) ago I arrived in KC, did a three month internship and in the first two weeks joined two worship teams, Jon Thurlow’s as a drummer and Sada Rogers as a Worship Leader, while still in an internship (an unheard of thing at the time). Thus entering the Ferris Wheel.
The ferris wheel goes up!!!
Within weeks I am the new “Golden Boy” of the Prayer Room. Mike (Bickle) says in many Worship Leader meetings how my sets that my worship team does are a template of a great intercession set for other worship leaders. I also am riding to and from most meetings with Mike, Anne (Mike’s Personal Assistant) and Misty at least 2 times a week. I look back at those times as a great opportunity to hear Mike’s heart and to share mine with him. I received many compliments in those car rides. One of my favorites was when I was talking about Kevin Prosch and saying how great he was. By the way, Kevin is Mike’s brother in-law. I kept calling Kevin, KP as he is affectionally known in my circle of friends. Mike said, “KP? We have NP!!!” It was kinda funny. I had many personal quotes end up in his notes or in his preaching which was a real boost to my “Ego”, I mean confidence.
I had my personal thoughts being taught to the world. Nobody knew, but I knew and it was great.
A couple months pass and I am asked to be an Assistant Section Leader, the equivalent of a Asst. shift manager i.e. a big important job at the Prayer room. In those days the section leader was the pastor to WLs, the head usher, production manager and sound producer, a lot of work, to say the least.
Onething rolls around and I am asked to play main stage at the huge 20’000 person conference by Mike. At the time I am still an Assoc. WL which at the time had never happened. Another big boost to the ol’ head. 24 hours later after scrambling to assemble a team worthy of ONETHING!!! the politics reality comes into play and the time slot I was to play was given to another team at the exact same time by the director of the conference. The other team that had “seniority” was given the slot.
Ferris wheel goes up and down and sometime stops.
Life begins to change a bit.
A little later I meet a wonderful woman of God, but thats another story. Durning this period I am still an Assoc. WL with Sada and Asst. SL in the afternoons. One day Sada comes to me and say’s she’s going back to Night Watch. REAL SHOCK. Honestly, my first thought was JOY, The team is MINE!!! Then she said, “I am leaving the team with Marvin.” REAL SHOCK. Fact: I love Marvin. I just felt like I had the seniority when it came to the team. I bit my lip, smiled and bore it. It was a test, a great test. Several weeks later Marvin stepped down and I had “my” team. (I realize I sound like such a jerk, but I’m giving the side of a saint’s bio they never tell you. Making their live totally unlivable.)
Ferris wheel goes up and up all the way to the top.
The next couple of years are AWESOME!!! I grow as a leader, play lots of conferences and love the ride. I have an awesome worship team, in fact it’s my dream team. Everything is great.
The ferris wheel starts to descend. OHHHH NOOOO!!!
Things start to change; members leave, I get engaged and married. This meant less time on the “inside” with all the “cool important people.” I have lost my “Golden Boy” status officially. I am no longer the template for “doing intercession sets right.” My sets at the Onething that year are in my opinion, needless to say, embarrassing and laughable to my critically perfectionist spirit. Because I knew what they could have been. Then the kiss of death… I no longer get asked to play conferences. It was getting close to Passion for Jesus conference and no word. Then the next conference and no word… I ask why and… no response, silence…sshh…
Death brings forth life… An Epiphany
I am sitting in the PR on a Sunday morning, probably the best time in the PR. I am pouring out my heart to Lord and all of the sudden I get the question, “Why are you here?” I then remember why I am in KC. I didn’t come to WL or to teach or to do youth ministry or to lead conferences. I came to take my place on the wall as an Intercessor. I came to minister to God. I came to enter into the burden of the Lord. To be a friend of God in an hour where friends are hard to find.
(Cue tears and heart coming alive in the midst of hardship.) This understanding helped me a ton.
Around that time I dusted off an old VHS tape I had bought years ago and never watched because I didn’t own a VHS player. The tape was a interview with Henri Nouwen a week before he died. He didn’t know he was going to die. It was actually going to be a special called “Coming Home” after his book by the same title. Little did anyone know that it ended up being his last interview. If you have a chance, watch it!! AWESOME!!! In the tape he talks about his life and his lack of real life or love. One of my favorite quotes goes something like, “I taught about prayer and never prayed. I taught on fasting and never fasted. I taught on community and didn’t live IN community. I taught about the sermon on the mount and humility but, I found myself trying to climb the ladder of success, power and influence willing to knock others down to reach my goals.” I immediately identified
. He continued by sharing how he left everything and moved to Canada to work at a home for the physically handicapped who needed 24/7 care. This is where he said he found his true Identity and Joy as a Son of God doing his Fathers work. (Here is a guy with multiple degrees, accreditations and accomplishments wiping the butt of a complete invalid day in day out till the day he dies, BLAM) I might have to write a whole blog on this video. (Will do.)
Around that same time Rachel and I go to John Loux’s birthday party and happened to get to sit down with Renee and Derek Loux in the basement for about 2 hours and talked about life, loss and everything in between. Derek and I had some similarities in our stories and struggles. We shared hearts and cried a little. Ok, a lot. I will cherish that time we shared with Derek and Renee. We shared many words that will never be forgotten.
Around that time I was having a hard time keeping a team together or finding a strong CL. So my supervisors told me that I needed to think about stepping down as a Primary WL. We agreed upon a date by which if certain things were not in place I would step down (kill date in essence). I went home, discussed it with my wife, and we both had peace and decided it would be best if I would step down. So, Jan 1st of 2010 I ceased to be a IHOP Primary Worship Leader which was a much coveted role, very rarely given up without a fight. This is due to the face that once you leave the role you rarely get it back, much like a supreme court judge.
At Onething 2009/10 my sets were amazing and I felt such freedom and joy. These last sets were truly a kiss from the LORD. My heart was now buoyant.
Ferris wheel is now at the bottom or so I think.
From there I have gone on to teach for FSM, FMA and various Conferences all around the world. I now realize something still needed to be dismantled.
Around this time I helped launch the 5th section i.e. The Worship Team development section. I help develop such WLs as Anna Blanc, Joy Maves, Rachel Culver and Jace Olsen. This was a really fun time and I greatly enjoyed it.
Around April I was asked to sit at the big boy’s table. Brian Kim, my supervisor at the time, asked me to take on the role of Primary Section Leader for the Afternoon. AAAHHHHAAAAHHH!!! Dream Job!!! I wanted this job since I arrived at IHOP. I jumped on this job quick. It is the perfect job. I was in the PR a lot and it was easy work. It mostly involved envisioning the worship team in my section, pastoring the worship leaders in my section, running weekly section briefings, E-12s and going to the primary section leader meeting (which was the best; sitting at the table with the people essentially running the prayer room). The table was made up of the 4 primary Section leaders (Morning, noon, evening and night watch) along with Wes Martin and Brian Kim. It was the BEST. I felt important. The Lord had further plans.
I had been in the role for about 2 months when I was sitting at our weekly PSL meeting and Brian was asking how our sections were going. The morning, noon and evening all said things were great and then we come to Clay in the Night Watch: Clay, in his calm way, says, “Things are rough, we need drummers, bass players and leaders in general.” At that moment I felt a fire in my heart. I had heard the “join the night watch” spiel hundreds of times and never been compelled to join but now something was different. I felt a fire in my heart and zeal for the house of prayer. I couldn’t keep quite so I blurted out in my fashion, “I can’t believe we’re still having this conversation. What’s going on? Don’t people realize without the Night Watch there is no IHOP. I’m so mad I wanna cuss!!!” As I was saying this I heard myself say, I’m a drummer, I can help! When I returned home from that meeting I talked to my wife, Rachel, and said, “We have to join the NW.” The next day I talked to Brian and told him I hadn’t come to IHOP to lead, teach, youth, etc. I came to minister to the Lord and stand on the wall and if the wall is weak in the nights thats where I am going. At that time I handed in my two week notice for Section Leading, my dream job. Brian was disappointed to see me leave, mostly because he just landed me and needed to find another Section Leader, but also would miss seeing me at meetings. I told him that we had so many good leaders in the days and that he could find someone else. The NW didn’t have drummers. I am a drummer who happened to be qualified in many other areas, but, a drummer nonetheless.
So, I threw caution to the wind and dove straight into the great unknown. Little did I know the challenges I would face in the darkness of the middle of the Night.
Much can be said about the NW, but what I will say is this:
- It is one big happy family (for the majority of the time).
- An increased value of mothers and their children
- There is a “section” camaraderie rather than a “team” feel.
- Everyone (seemingly) is engaged about what is going.
- The musicians are AMAZING!!!
- SADA and her TEAM!!! This should be #1
During my first night in the NW I sat at a table designated for IHOPU Teachers and was asked by one of the Ushers, “Excuse me Sir, are you an IHOPU Teacher?” God bless them, they don’t know me from Adam but, that was a REAL shock to me. I have been at IHOP for years and been a WL, a SL and taught at FSM, FMA, AMS and Intro for 2 years.
A couple of weeks ago I was in the PR pacing and I just felt insignificant and unimportant. I was thinking, “A couple of weeks ago I was sitting at the big wig table. I was important and making a difference in the PR and most of all people knew who I was.” I started to think I had made a huge mistake. I willing gave up a great job where I had influence and recognition and now I’m… I’m a drummer, just another drummer. (Ok, I know that drummers are rare commodity at IHOP. Good drummers are even rarer.)
At that moment I felt Jesus softly speaking to me, “Nathan, I know exactly how you feel.” He did know how I felt. He, to whom all power belonged, laid it down. His signature was on all creation yet creation did not recognize it’s Maker. He came to His own yet they did not know him or receive Him. In seconds my pity party became a prayer thanking the Lord for giving me access to a special place in His heart, the place where the David’s and the Daniel’s are molded and proven. This is the fire of humility, it is the dark dungeon of hiddenness. It is the place where Jesus longs to be found. He wants to be found in hiddenness and humility for this is who He is. He gave me a opportunity to identify with Him so I would grow in thankfulness and love. From that night everything has been different, I didn’t say I was cured of insecurity or anything like that, but I am on a journey, ever moving closer into the heart of God.
The ferris wheel goes up and down over and over again.
It’s not about being at the top it’s about staying on the ride and not checking-out in your heart. It’s about learning to enjoy the ride and being happy when your at the top and being happy for those at the top when your at the bottom.
So, Why a ferris wheel?
Julie Meyer, a worship leader well acquainted with what I’ve been talking about, has had several dreams about ferris wheels and standing in line. I’ll give the long-short to both. Julie has had several dreams about the ferris wheel of favor. Your favor goes up and down. And this will humble you just like it did to David, who had some compromise and Daniel, who had no compromise (recorded in the bible). It was all for the purpose of growing His people into humility.
Next, we have the “Line”. Julie had a dream where the Lord had just finished a puzzle and looked at it with such joy and then took the puzzle and shook it up completely back to the start and the Lord said (paraphrased), “I will take those who are content at the back of the line and bring them to the front to learn and to teach how to love and this will humble them. I will take those who are content at the front of the line and move them to the back to learn and to teach how to love. I will leave those at the front who want to go to the back to hide and they will learn to love and they will be humbled. I will leave those at the back who complain for being in the back and they will learn to love. Everyone will teach and learn from everyone to Love so that love will be full in the front and back of the line.”
With this said, it’s not about being in the front or the back. It’s not about being at the top or the bottom. It’s all about love being all in all. Let the Lord put you where He wants you and be thankful for where you are at.